So I’ve already been reflecting for a while on what I would like to do for next year. The answer that keeps coming back is more self-care and more downtime.
I get up really early for work. Then I do my work which is really attention detailed. So when I get home I’m exhausted. Lately I have needed to make myself just rest in bed after I get home. Sometimes I take a nap. Sometimes I just relax lying there and listen to some soothing music. I’ve noticed when I don’t take this time, I just end up feeling worse and worse.
So I’ve been looking into apps like meditation, logging moods, and logging anything I’m grateful for. I’m also looking into some soothing music that I can listen to.
And yeah I have to admit to myself I may have to force myself to take care of myself. It’s not something that’s really innate for me. Growing up I got the wrong message that taking care of myself was being selfish and lazy. I had to spend my time working, helping out around the house, and having to take care of requests from others. Thus I lack the skills to self-sooth and self-tend. Even when I’m sick I feel bad that I’m resting and not being productive, even though I know my body needs rest so I can have the energy to be productive again. That attitude is not surprising to me. My mother’s philosophy when I was sick was that if I wasn’t vomiting or running a fever then I had to go to school or work no matter how miserable I felt. Taking time off is bad. Resting is bad. You’re not that ill. And so on.
I think I run on the hamster wheel of life a bit too much with being always on, always doing something. I need to help reteach myself that taking time to meditate, more downtime to read or listen to music, is also productive. It’s just productive in a different way. It’s okay and even good to take care of myself and it isn’t being selfish nor lazy.
So that’s my big goal to work on for the year. Relax, unwind, take care of me in healthy ways. It won’t be easy but it’s something I need and want to incorporate into my life. I need to be able to slow myself down and enjoy quiet moments. Also, I need to make sure I do take the time to do things like daily dental care, skin care, and so on. (Yes my current lack of self-care is both spiritual and physical.)
And sure there are other things I would like to do. I started crocheting a while back and stopped. I would like to try that again. I also want to get more into programming. And we’ll see if I can focus on those things, but it has to work itself into the overarching theme of not overdoing and overworking myself anymore. It’s time to focus on me, fulfilling my needs, and bringing more care and joy into my life.